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The Arithmetic…
Approx two acres of garden containing 100+ orange trees = marmalade!
Investigate marmalade recipes on internet. Pick one at random….
Read ingredients and quantities: Seville oranges, lemons, sugar, water.
Re-read quantities…….
1.3kg Seville oranges, two lemons, 2.6kg sugar, 4 pints water.
Reject quantities entirely. Am seasoned jam maker of forty years’ experience and am very familiar with proportions needed for successful preserves. Recipe is clearly mis-printed. Will use method only and apply common sense to quantities.
Classic jam recipe is equal weight of sugar to fruit and just a splash of water to prevent fruit burning in pan. Only real variation is if fruit is low in pectin (i.e. will not produce a properly setting jam) then either jam sugar (contains added pectin) must be used or add some high pectin fruit such as apples for a good set.
Reading recipe further, learn that citrus fruits are low in pectin and therefore pectin is extracted from the white pith by either soaking or simmering.
Am also aware that my oranges are not the Seville variety (particularly bitter fruits used specifically for marmalade) but Valencian oranges; lovely, sweet and juicy fruits intended for eating or juicing. Will add extra lemons to compensate.
Quantities used: 1kg oranges 1kg lemons. 2kg sugar. I pint water.
Wash and wipe fruits. Remove peel and set flesh and pith of fruits to one side.
Set up good movie on TV. Assemble bowl of peel, small sharp knife and cutting board onto coffee table. Settle down to watch movie from settee while cutting fruit peel into chunky shreds.
Cut finger with small, very sharp, knife. Dash to bathroom to wrap toilet tissue around cut before shredded peel completely covered in bloody gore.
Ten-minute interlude to staunch streaming blood-flow.
Rinse chunky peel shreds under fresh water to avoid producing genuine blood orange marmalade.
Resume and complete cutting up of fruit peel.
Return to main fruits and pith: preparation prior to initial simmering process to extract pectin.
Slice into first lemon.
Aaarrgghhh…..
Remember too late, effect of lemon juice in finger cut. Ferociously suck finger.
Five-minute interlude to run finger under tap again and remove lemon juice from cut.
Don sticky plaster to protect cut finger and return to fruit slicing.
Place sliced oranges and lemons in large jam pan….
Rewind….
Jam pan?
Jam pan!
Recall that all jam pans still in England, approx 1300 miles away….
Frantic hunt for large pan suitable for jam making. Select large stock pot – last used for simmering down chicken carcasses to soup…
Place sliced fruit in large jam pan. Add shredded fruit peel. Add one pint water. Raise to boil. Lower to bare simmer. Add lid to pan. Walk away to allow two hours simmering to extract pectin.
Check pan after thirty minutes. Looks good. Smells delectable.
Heavenly aroma fills house.
Check pan again after another thirty minutes. Add half pint of water to compensate for evaporation.
After two hours, stir in sugar, raising slowly to boil to ensure sugar properly dissolved. Place two saucers in freezer to allow test for set on marmalade. Place clean jars and lids in boiling water.
Raise cooker hob to fast boil on marmalade. Test after fifteen minutes for set.
Re-test for set after further five minutes – nice skin forms over sample marmalade spooned onto chilled plate.
Perfect! Marmalade is ready to go into jars.
Take sample of marmalade. Blow hard and taste.
Wow! Flavour is amazing. Marmalade is a success!
Recall that jam funnels also in England.
Use soup ladle to fill jars. Cover jars with clean tea towels and leave to cool overnight.
Following Morning…
Chase deputation of wasps away from cooled jars and out of kitchen with fly swat. Shut Blanca out of kitchen to prevent ‘capture’ of wasps and subsequent consequences.
Pop bread into toaster. Two minutes. Toast ready. Butter toast.
Dig knife into jar in anticipation of delectable tangy conserve on toast.
Knife meets resistance. Knife blade pauses at surface of marmalade. Surface unexpectedly springy…
Force knife into jar of marmalade. Dig hard.
Marmalade now has knife blade in firm grasp. Knife blade cannot be removed. Tug harder to extract knife.
Consider renaming knife ‘Excalibur’.
Note: toast now going cold.
Eventually extract knife but not marmalade from jar. Suck jammy knife clean. Taste is utterly divine but consistency offers alternative career in tyre manufacture, or possibly road asphalting.
Consider marmalade conundrum: how to extract marmalade from jar.
Place jar in microwave and heat for one minute. Pour liquid marmalade into bowl. Spoon portion onto toast.
Return to marmalade recipe to re-read for next time, paying close attention to quantities…
*****
Buy me a coffee?
OMG so funny. It reminded me of the time I made soup was too watery so I added some flour to thicken. Didn’t work so well so I added a few more cups. Soup finally looks good. Serve to half a dozen starving friends. They all have strange looks on their faces. I say what? My BFF says it’s kind of sweet never had a chicken soup like it. Other friends keep eating because they are good friends. Go in the kitchen and pull out the flour I had used. Look and go no I swear it was flour. Take bag into the dining room. Confirm with all my friends that the bag actually says powdered sugar.
Yeah, I had put about 7 cups of powdered sugar into the soup. This was ten years ago. My friends bring up anytime it’s my turn to cook for game night.
lol!
In a similar vein, you might enjoy this post too 🙂
https://www.simone-leigh.com/bananas-and-cream/
Sounds like me making ketchup (red sauce?) here in the states 46 years ago. I had a veggie garden and had an over abundance of tomatoes that I am allergic to but I can eat ketchup. I have a recipe book from WW2 with a super recipe. Everything when really well until I went to pour the hot water out of my canning pot while wearing shorts. My doctor loved trying to decide how to bandage my upper thigh with ointment to prevent my second degree burn from getting infected. Finally, had his female nurse to the bandaging because the burn so very, very high up on my thigh. He then teased me a little because I had to see him the previous summer for a 3rd degree sunburn 3 inches wide at my waist from right side to left side where my shirt had creeped up while I was gardening. He asked me what/where I was going to burn myself the next summer so they could decide early how to bandage it. Needless to say I stopped canning & my second husband loved watching me move a 6 foot wide beach umbrella around our yard as I worked in my flower gardens along with wearing sunglasses & a large straw sun hat. Now, occasionally, I make peach or raspberry liqours. Less dangerous at 70 & everything is done cold with only 3 ingredients–1 is 100 proof good Vodka. Did make Strawberry jam once using my late ex-mother-in-laws recipe as my then husband insisted I do using his mother’s recipe. I followed her recipe religiously. She used Epsom salt in her recipe. As this is a laxative, the first teaspoon of it worked extremely well on me. I have not eaten strawberry jam for 50 years now. Don’t know why it didn’t effect my ex. He loved it and bragged about it. UGH!!!
lol! You have a short book there just with what you told me. Epsom salts in strawberry jam? That’s a new one on me. I’ve made strawberry jam many times, but that was never one of the ingredients. I’d be interested to know your method for making liqueurs. I do too, but they’re generally the gin-based versions; sloe gin or plum gin. Blackberry whiskey is good too for a cold winter evening.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Love this Jam story
Glad you did. May your day be jammy 🙂
LMAO! My version of your story is to go to the grocery store to buy a jar of marmalade! I know not nearly as adventurous or great tasting, but definitely easier.
lol! – Easy but boring 😉
S…. lol!
And I was so looking forward to learning the best way to make marmalade (from someone with years of experience making similar spreads) as I get a lot of excess kumquat in the garden when they are in season and never bothered to try to make it into a marmalade. Let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t follow you step by step as you explained it before finishing your tale. 🙂 Thanks for the giggles!
lol! Kumquats? I don’t have them in my garden (yet), but I want some because I thought they’d look lovely bottled. But yes, I’m not claiming expertise on citrus fruits yet 😉
Wow!
This was another example of your superb writing ability. Doesn’t matter if it’s a tale of a tree-raising, failed marmalade, or romantic relationship; Simone excels at the task.
Best wishes and keep up the good work.
What a lovely thing to say. Thank you. I’ll do my best to keep delivering.
Simone 🙂
What a visual with plenty of giggles! So love your writing whether tales or novels! Always an adventure. Love marmalade but such work. Love the chocolate suggestion. 💞
Thanks for the chuckles. I really enjoyed this and how you wrote it. I think this is the first anecdote of yours that I have read, looking forward to more.
Glad you enjoyed it. And yes, just watch my newsletters for more. I write something on my ‘Small Tales’ fairly regularly. It’s a bit of fun for all of us 🙂
Okay, so laughing at culinary adventures, be it ever so entertaining for me, isn’t allowed when the fam is watching Clash of the Titans 🙁 They now think I’ve completely lost my mind. I would definitely read a collection of these and live vicariously through you. Keep writing and may the cooking fairies watch out for you 🙂
The ‘cooking fairies’? lol! and yes, I’m toying with the idea of writing a collection of the ‘Small Tales’ 🙂
I love marmalade, and I knew you were going somewhere with that story. That was hilarious. I may even try to make some, cause my wife hates it. Anyway I love your books. Keep writing.
Glad you enjoyed it, but forgive me if I spare a moment of sympathy for your wife 😉
What a mission! My mum gave me a microwave grapefruit marmalade recipe😊 Way easier and from prep to done in about 2 hours!
Enjoyed reading your way but will stick to mine😄
Really? Do you have the microwave recipe? Feel free to pass it along 🙂
I absolutely loved your marmalade escapade, it gave me the best laugh of my day! I love your books. I hope you have a great day!
Thank you Debbie. And you too. Have a great weekend 🙂
I too love marmalade….and I too have made marmalade…however I used a recipe.
It was yummy but not nearly as fun as your blog. I love reading anything you write
be it blog or any one and all of your stories…you have a heavenly talent for entertaining
your fans like no other…bravo!!
May both your marmalade and your entertainment be ever tangy 😉
So funny! Perhaps Charlotte could attempt marmalade making if she can drag herself away from her sexy men for long enough!!! Love your books!
lol! Now there’s a good idea. Perhaps i should give Charlotte a marmalade scene lol!
I now understand why I love your books! You have a way of doing things that just make you want to keep reading. I wish I could have been there with you when you were making your jam. I’ve never made jam, but I wanted to with raspberries. 😄
lol! i love raspberry jam to, but all those seeds – I always end up chewing my jaw off afterwards lol! Glad you enjoyed it. I’ll do my best to keep it coming …
S 🙂
Thank you for the morning laugh. I’ve never tried marmalade, but a past adventure with rootbeer definitely taught me to pay closer attention to recipe instructions (picture sealed bottles of sugary liquid exploding in the closet, because not all types of yeast behave the same).
Sometimes your brief memoirs are more entertaining than your novels, and your novels are awesome.
Glad you enjoyed it. Actually, I’m toying with producing a book of these anecdotes 🙂
I have to say this made me giggle thank you for a laughable moment. It sounds a little bit like what I would do. But I probably would of quit after the orange juice got in cut finger.
lol! – One has to be brave….
Oh my god!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the best start of the day I could have!!! I can totally sympathise with you on the outcome, only my “trial by fire” (so to speak) was with a new cake recipe. It came out of the oven perfectly, but by the time it had cooled, it was a pan of concrete! And thank you ever so much for your great books – I’m thoroughly enjoying them!
lol! Perhaps you should try a marmalade sponge next time, then we can combine our joint expertise….
Thank you for your jam episode, especially the finger, wasp and knife mishaps. Reminded me of USA’s much-loved comedienne, Lucille Ball.
lol! Lucille Ball?!? That’s a new one for me…
I so needed a laugh today and you provided it for me. Brought back memories of too many strawberries and not so great looking preserves. Oh well, We live and we learn!
So pleased I made you laugh. ’tis more or less what i had in mind 🙂
Such a satisfying, yet exasperating, endeavor! Do I know the feeling when jam turns into candy. Sigh.
Suggestion? Pour the softened preserve into a lightly oiled baking sheet, turn out when firm, and cut into squares. Dip in melted dark chocolate if you prefer. Voilà! Chocolate covered orange jellies! Now, would this be a good idea so soon after the holiday diet catastrophe?
May your next marmalade be as delicious as your writing.
OMG – you are sin on a plate – I’ve got to try that….
Simone (counting the pounds) Leigh….
Thoroughly enjoyed this story this morning! Thanks for sharing and making me smile 😃
Always happy if I made you smile 🙂
I have made jams ,but have never tried a marmalade..So impressed by your,fly by the seat of your pants,approach to the process..I am ever that way,and love a kindred spirit..Thank you for the wonderful story.I thoroughly enjoyed it.
lol! I’m a serious fly by the seat of my pantser… not sure if it gets me where I want to go, but it’s usually fun 🙂
I loved this little tale of marmalade. I’ve done the same thing….thinking my vast experience will stand me in good stead. Now I use every recipe exactly as it is written. After testing the finished product I may make changes. Love your writing!!
lol! Glad you enjoyed it.
May your marmalade be ever perfect!
Simone 🙂
This is a very familiar tale to me … I may still have some jars of 2004 marmalade in my cupboard which I just could not find muscles strong enough to cut into, but the jars look pretty on the shelf!
lol! – That sounds deeply familiar – when I left the UK, the lady who rented my house inherited about 200lb of jam from a victoria plum tree in the garden. It always over-produced, to the point that even my free-ranging chickens got sick of eating the windfalls.
I had a good giggle & love the way you described everything you did.
Glad I gave you a laugh – that was more or less the idea lol!
Simone 😉
Glad you enjoyed it. ’tis the orange season again. Time for another go….
I have fond memories of helping my mother make marmalade. She used the old meat grinder to “cut up” the ingredients. It was so good.
Would love to have a copy of the recipe after you made the changes.
Will be happy to provide the recipe when I have the usable version 🙂
I’ll look forward to it 🙂