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If you’re reading this, then you almost certainly know that I am a writer of erotic romance, mainly BDSM erotic romance. And I like to write about what you want to read.
When I first started doing this, about four years ago now, I’d kind of assumed that my readership would be the under 40s – the ‘Fifty Shades’ generation. It came as a surprise to me to realise that, in fact, the bulk of my readers are my own age (fifty-eight) and older.
More and more of you started writing to me, sending your messages, saying how you enjoyed my stories (gratifyingly few have said otherwise lol!) and asking me to ‘keep writing’.
It’s great when I get feedback. Some of you have commented that they like it that I am ‘older’ myself, and that they’re not talking to some slip of a girl just out of college. Others simply get in touch to tell me how they enjoy the simple pleasure of reading a good story that gets them hot under the collar.
And that’s wonderful. I love it.
But I also receive another kind of message.
Regularly, readers send me messages, often when they have just discovered me as a writer, telling me that they love my stories, not simply as stories, but because it gives them a kind of vicarious living.
Typically, these people, usually, but not always women, tell me they are disabled, perhaps through an accident. Maybe through illness or old age. Or perhaps their partner/sub/Dom is in a wheelchair, made invalid through sickness or military service. Sometimes, the letters are from people bereaved.
I receive messages from wives telling me they have lost their husbands. From subs, saying that their Dom died, and they can’t get past the ‘lostness’ this brings. Or from Doms telling me how their sub is ill and is now more of a patient than a partner.
It goes on. And much of it is quite heart-breaking. I sit reading my morning mail in bed sometimes, crying over my coffee.
This is one such message – I received it a couple of years ago and, for the avoidance of doubt, the lady who sent it to me gave me permission to share it – anonymously of course.
‘Thank you so very much for the great books. I have never been a reader until I came across one of your books I couldn’t put it down until I finish it, and then I downloaded every book you wrote read them over and over until you released another.
My friend and I use to read them together while we were going through chemo but we lost her to lung cancer last year, so I’m carrying on for her. So, as I said earlier thank you so very much for the great reads.’
So, with all that in mind, it seems to me that there might be room for me to writen some stories in which the main character was in some way disabled. It’s so easy to always write romance about gorgeous women and beautiful Doms. But why shouldn’t there be romance, and especially, erotic romance, for the crippled, or the blind, or the sick-at-heart?
Why shouldn’t a person with disabilities be able to revel in romance, sex, erotica and BDSM in all their shining heights? At the end of the day, both Love and Libido, and all the shades of emotion where the two overlap, come from inside the head. If that’s working, then there’s a place there for erotica, for erotic romance, or for good old fashioned ‘one-handed-reading’.
Or that’s what I think.
But I would like to know what you think.
I am very conscious that if I were to write a story or series around a disabled/blind/sick hero or heroine, we’re in ‘trigger territory’. It might be seen that I was ‘taking advantage’ or ‘cashing in’. I certainly don’t want to do that.
And the very last thing I want to do is make it worse for a reader rather than give them the kind of warm glow I hope and aim for.
So, if you are, or you know someone, who is an invalid, sick, disabled; if you have been bereaved, or if you have suffered any of the s**t that life can throw at us sometimes, that has robbed you of your love/sex/romance life, I’d like to hear from you.
Or even… if you don’t give a damn and you didn’t let disablement slow you down 😉
Whether it is your actual story, or if it is just your situation, or simply your opinion, please get in touch.
You can answer in the comments if you are comfortable with that, or you can email or message me – whatever works for you. I promise I will read all the messages and respond to as many as I can.
And I will certainly take what you say into consideration when I decide if and what I am going to write about this.
All my hopes,
Simone xx
Buy me a coffee?
I think it’s wonderful that someone with your abilities and skills is considering venturing into the dark and potentially liberating intersection of disability, BDSM, and redemption.
I’ve had three bouts of major depressive disorder, the second of which had a log period of intense suicidal ideation, and I believe I survived it only because of my membership in a BDSM dungeon club and the support of my BFF of eight years. It’s impossible for me to think about the past or more than a few seconds beyond NOW while in a tight, twisted shibari-style suspension while a skilled person is deploying a single tail on my cheeks and thighs and I am dangling on the edge of subspace. Totally cleans my mind; the worldly worries stay away, at least until well into aftercare. Finally got rid of the last of that MDD by sacrificing my BFF’s eight years of platonic friendship for three days of very non-platonic exercises. He since moved in and now is my primary paramour.
My latest, ongoing MDD was due to a trauma which also left me with a PTSD diagnosis. But I’m far better equipped to get through this, as I have a much widened support group including six tops who all can push my reset button. I’m down to three flashbacks a week, on average, and no more than two nightmare panics a week.
So this time I’m confident that, with a lot of help from my friends, doctors, a shrink and some meds, I’m going to get through the situation and come out the other side at least as well as when I entered the tunnel.
And I’ll continue to look forward to your next release.
Thank you Leonara for taking the time to reply like that. It must have been pushing buttons for you to write. After the huge response I have had to this topic, I will certainly be writing the book That will come after I have completed my ‘The Master’s Child’ sequence, so I have several months to mull over how to approach the story.
All the Best 🙂
Simone
Simone, there is not much I could contribute to the wonderful responses you’ve received above. I am not disabled, but neither am I young, pretty or flexible. Nonetheless, I would enjoy reading an erotic romance that featured a disabled character. One of the books I’ve read with someone struggling with a chronic illness was Renee Rose’s His Queen of Clubs. The main female character has diabetes I, and it has caused renal failure. The kidney failure is in Stage III, so she has to monitor herself very closely. It gets complicated when she is kidnapped by a Bratva mob boss. He’s not a mean man at heart, but he needs her as a hostage and her condition requires him to learn all about diabetes in order to take special care of her. The other book I’ve read in this vein was 12 Sessions, by Bethany Hyde. It had a lot of questionable ideas about how BDSM should work, but the basic story was how a severely depressed woman used BDSM through a trained Dominant to treat her depression. Neither of these books deal with a disability where a person has lost use of a critical body part or loss of sexual feelings. but both main characters had serious struggles that many in the real world also face. One other comment: a lot of people who live with disabilities are often assisted by therapy animals to help make their lives easier. Depending on the illness/disability you decide to address, it would be wonderful to read about an assistance animal and its relationship with the character also. Good luck with your decision, Simone!
Thank you Emily. I’d not considered the assistance animla aspect. Yes, a good idea. 🙂
Emily I too read 12 Sessions and like you was impressed with the way it was handled and the fact that after that her husband was included.Pat
I’ve been both the disabled person and a care giver sometimes at the same time. Although, I like books that are 100% escapism, after even when I was 20 I wasn’t a tall willowly blond, rich, etc. I enjoy those books I really do, but I love and adore books and authors who push themselves and write about difficult topics. The first book I read with a disabled person was in high school. He was in a wheelchair because of a car accident, I think. I don’t remember the name of the book but I do remember how the author wrote him as Alpha, strong and very capable. He had a motafied van that he drove. He was on a wheelchair basketball team. He had a business he ran himself, a house he lived in alone, and did just about everything himself. I loved seeing the heroine see him just as a man and not a disabled man. Most recently I read a great book called Empty Net where the heroine was blind. She ran a charity. She had a garden. We’re there things that made life hard and that she couldn’t do without help? Yes. Did it take the hero a little while to completely understand her limitations and how she could with his help do so many things he thought she couldn’t. They went go carting and she drove while he told her how to turn.
So these are the things I look for when I see an author tackle disabilities mental or physical or trauma like soldiers coming home with PTSD or rape survivors.
1. Do your research. Talk to people with the disability if possible. (There tons of support groups with people that are more than willing to share their stories).
2. Do your research again but talk to caregivers if one is needed, friends, family, co-workers if you can.
3. Read blogs or books written by someone with a disability. They really will open your eyes to the amazingness of these people.
4. Talk to medical professionals, nurses, doctors, aids, therapists, PT people etc. Make sure you have the correct medical jargan and facts before you use them. I hate nothing more than to be really into a book only for them to have a character use a medication or treatment that hasn’t been done in 20 years.
5. Some conditions have been done to death. I’m not saying you can’t do these topics just know there many other books to compete against. Also, there are so many rare conditions, disease, unique stories that deserve a chance. Overdone topics, in my opinion, are cancer, cystic fibrosis, and a few others. Not saying these aren’t worthy topics they are but there are so many others that don’t get any attention. Most prefer to refer to themselves as warriors, surrivors. Many people with certain conditions have nicknames for what they are. People with Arnold Chiari who’ve had surgery call themselves zipper heads because of the scar thats left on their neck and skull. It’s their way of showing that they survived and are bad ass now.
6. Never ever write a disabled person as a victim unless in the story and they act that way because they recently became ill, were conditioned that way as a child etc. Only do this if there is a really good reason plot wise that they act that. Some disabled people do act like victims most don’t. Most are just average people doing their best with the cards they’ve been given. They are just like someone without a disability. Same fears, self-esteem issues, desires, love, hate etc. So many people with disabilities do so many incredible things. They climb mountains, paint, sing, raise children, get married.
7. People with disabilities want intimacy as much as everyone else. They want physical closeness and sex. They can’t always do penetrative sex with a penis in a vagina but really if you think about this is that really so strange? Lesbians don’t need or even want penises or sex like that, well some do but it varies. Gay men don’t have vaginas at all. Desire and sex isn’t all about touching yours or someone else’s genitals. It’s touching and finding all the places that make your partner go crazy. I personally can orgasm with just having my neck touched. Men can enjoy and get satisfaction from sex even if they can’t get hard or ejaculate. Disabled people often just have to get inventive and that can be fun and sexy all on its own.
8. Please don’t make anyone a saint. Disabled people can be bitchy, cranky, hateful etc just like everyone else. There’s no such thing as a caregiver or SO that doesn’t get frustrated, angry, sad etc.
9. No needs to die. Yes many conditions are fatal or can be. Death scenes can be hugely dramatic. But so many other disabled people lead full happy lives they just hit some serious road bumps.
10. Just make your characters real. There are rude people that will tell at someone using handicaped parking because they don’t look sick. Amputees get weird questions asking if they were in the military, how’d happen, did it hurt. People in wheelchairs get asked things like do you have to wear diapers, can you have children, etc. Shit happens. But many more people are great and supportive and willing to learn about the disabled persons life.
11. Not every disability, condition etc is visible. Often people avoid telling others about what they have because they don’t want to be treated as an object of pity, as someone who has to be taken care of like a child. They don’t like special concessions they didn’t ask for. Or people helping without checking to see if they can do the task. Other people are not always aware how much people with disabilities value their Independence. After all part of it has been taken away.
So yeah I really enjoy books that have people with disabilities in them as long as they don’t fall into cliches.
*triggers- writing about this subject will inevitably lead to writing about things that will trigger people. Personally I have triggers and sensitivities. Sometimes I’m able to read a book sometimes not. Some topics I can read but only in the daytime and my hubby aware because he often will notice heading towards a panic attack or flashback before I am. Sometimes we even advert them. Nothing upsets me more than getting a book and being excited to read it and hitting a trigger. Often I get night terrors, panic attacks, insomnia, and flashbacks for several weeks. Sometimes this last or more. Once I slipped into a really bad cycle that lasted six month. We’re there other factors? Yes, but the book started me unraveling. Sometimes you can return the book sometimes not. Which means I lose money which sucks.
I absolutely love when triggers are mentioned in the book description. It gives me control about reading it. But please don’t put just “This book contains subject matter that maybe triggers for some. For mature 18+ only” I read that and I’m like what triggers. I have no way to decide when I see that and I often skip it to be safe. You don’t have to give the plot away. You can say things like “Questionable consent, violence, graphic sex and dialogue” Honestly some people buy things based on the trigger warnings because they love those scenarios.*
Some books that have tackled romance and disabilities really well are:
Reckless by L. J. Shen – the heroine has cystic fibrosis. She’s a part of all the books but this one focuses on her. There is a follow book about her son that is supposed to be heartbreaking but I haven’t read that yet.
Welcome to the Dark side by Giana Darling – there are two characters on the autism spectrum.
Scandalous by L. J. Shen – the daughter has mutism due to trauma
Voyeur by Fiona Cole – hero is a survivor of sexual abuse. Very few books tackle this and I was impressed on how they handled it.
Beta and Omega by Jasinda Winters deals with surviving trauma both the hero (sexual assault), the heroine (emotional trauma), and the heroine’s best friend (rape, emotional abuse)
An Arranged Marriage by Jo Beverley – rape survivor
Runaway Princess Bride series by Blair Babylon – rape survivor
Xan/Georgie’s story Rock Stars in Disguise by Blair Babylon – abuse survivor, multiple personalities
June Forever by Merry Farmer – rape survivor
Beauty and the Take by Erica Monroe – heroine has a deformed hand and legs
The Berserker Sage by Lee Savino – heroine can’t speak
Bound by the Rules by Alyson Chase – both hero and heroine have survived abuse and even torture. Both have PTSD like symptoms
Lords of Honor series by Christi Caldwell – these are about men who fought in the Napoleonic Wars. There is PTSD situations, an amputee
Capturing Caleb by Carole Mortimer – PTSD
Seduce at Sunrise by Lisa Kleypas – heroine is seriously weakened by Scarlett fever.
Stripping the Sub by Golden Angel – rape survivor
The Butterfly by Victoria Vale – extreme trauma reaction
Credence by Penelope by Penelope Douglas – one hero has mutism
Dominating Mr. Darling by Victoria Vale – abuse and burn survivor
Forever Yours Series by Stacy Reid each heroine has something that holds her back or makes her life difficult. One heroine is blind another has a messed up leg.
Empty Net by Camellia Tate – heroine is blind
To Trust a Rogue by Christi Caldwell – rape survivor
To Woo a Widow by Christi Caldwell – heroine can’t have any more children. One of her daughter’s is partially deaf
To Redeem a Rake by Christi Caldwell – heroine has deformed leg
Beguiled by a Baron by Christi Caldwell – heroine is partially deaf and has a large birthmark on her face
Stuff Drink/Hard Liquor Arthur’s Duet by Blair Babylon – rape survivor
Tied by Carian Cole – kidnapping victim, burn accident survivor
The Bluestocking by Christi Caldwell – heroine is partially blind
Welcome to the Darkside by Giana Darling – heroine has cancer
Lawman by Diana Palmer – kidnapping survivor, heart issues
The Silent Duke by Jess Michael – mute
After the Kiss by Joan Johnson – war wounds
I feel like I’ve read tons more that were really good but I never kept a record of what I read in paperback
I absolutely love that you are writing about disabilities. Remember sometimes life is funny even when it’s hard. Once my brother’s wheelchair got lose on a ramp. He went shooting down it and was about to hit the wall when a large man dressed as Santa darted out and caught him. Santa was there for a Christmas party. I have a picture of my brother and Santa somewhere. Disabilities can lead you to weird often dark humor but if you can’t laugh sometimes the only other option is to cry.
Good luck. I know this is a long response but I hope it helps.
Also, message me if you need to talk things out. I’ve had several family members with disabilities. Now I have some. I’d be happy to share my experiences.
Meghan. – thank you for your novella of a reply. It’s very much appreciated. I’m not going to attempt to answer you right now except to say thank you very much and to have a word with some of the authors you mention. I know/have worked with a few of them and will start with their stories and take it from there 😘
Hi! I’ve been waiting for authors to address disabilities in their stories. I’ve read some who have somewhat…..
I turn 55 next week, I’m physically and mentally disabled. Until I became disabled physically I was able to participate in my local BDSM community. Now no one wants anything to do with me. I feel ostracized by a community I loved. Munches turn awkward when I show up, I’ve quit going. I still want to play! It hurts so bad. No one seems brave enough to even try at least once. I’ve ideas that might work. I long for the peace BDSM brings me. Rope is my thing. Nothing more freeing mentally than to be tied in rope, subspace is a given for me.
I have arthritis in my spine I use a walker every where. It has 4 wheels and a seat. I need the seat, due to the arthritis I have severe back spasms that make can make walking somewhat dangerous, fall risk. I use the electric grocery carts at the store. I try to be independent as possible And the aids I use help me achieve that.
And nothing ruins a intimate moment faster than having to put on my bi-pap mask! Sure we can cuddle but I need to put this on so I don’t stop breathing when I fall asleep and then you and my neighbors can sleep cause I’m not snoring to roof off.
So having a character resemble someone like me would be wonderful.
I’m reading a book right now and the female character has some of my mental health issues, and how she deals with them is well written. I like that she’s portrayed that way. If it wasn’t for her being super smart, sexy as hell with 3 really hot lovers and mega rich it could be me lol.
I’m glad you’ve brought this subject manner up. I’ve asked authors before about this issue. My take away is that most disabilities don’t sell books. Which is sad to me. We exist! We can be main characters!
Vickie. Thank you so much for that. It can’t have been easy to write. I’m going to think hard on what you have said.
All my best for you
Simone xx
Hi Simone,
I am in your age bracket. I agree with a couple of your other comments above about always reading about young pretty couples just starting out in their sexualities. I have not only lived a lot of grief but seen it as well, as I have always worked in the medical field in one way or another but not in a professional way. I have seen how cancer and disfigurement or health can affect a mind as well as a relationship. To see couples showing their love and sexuality and compare it to others who just feel the need to nurture, ignore it or turn or run away, there is a big difference. Maybe you should look at it from a young view and age it or disable the story in your mind. Write about how to fight for your love and sexuality against reality and what life throws at you. Leave out the details about cancer or details of disfigurement, or military struggles and focus on how to beat the day to day grind and how it changes people mentally. Can you see a military man coming home disfigured but needing to control another because of the control he has lost? Can you see the young woman going through so much grief they need another person who can help them regain control of a spiraling life? Think about a young man or woman needing someone to love them so much they need to be showered with intimacy and mental sexual experiences. Show how an older person who still has the child they once were deep inside that still needs affection and love attended to without feeling perverted. Show how a human mind has so many facets that they may not even know what they need until another shows them something different? They may not know how to express themselves as their sexual needs change. Which can be from age, disabilities, illnesses or just their bodies changing with low or high libidos. Show how one may have given up with their sexuality and romantic thoughts until another opens their mind? You need not fear triggering someone with a certain story or how a situation is when you write about reality and spin it to be happy, sexual and romantic.
Shew! I’m sorry did I just go off on a tangent? HA! I guess what I’m trying to say is I see so many who have lost romance, lust or sexuality because they feel like they have lost of part of who they are due to an event or medical situation or even aging. Yet through our whole life from a young age to an old age, from one event to another, we all learn to adapt to stay happy.
THIS is how to bring in someone to read your books and to love your writing style.
Thank you Jasmin. Again, a lot there for me to consider. I’ll mull that over.
all the Best 🙂
Simone
Hi! I’m 48 and disabled from my military service. people forget that there is “good ” and bad pain. I am fighting cancer and while it is horrible, I personally think that if I had a few cane stripes across my ass, that it would help me deal with the other pain. A reminder that there is more to life than what I’m dealing with.
I have read books where the Dom or sub has some disability or disease and personally I love those because it shows that love is out there for ALL of us.
I have read books also about those who have survived on the memory of the one they lost, they are good, but selfishly I like it better when the characters learn to love again while still honoring the one they lost.
A wheelchair/cancer/ disfigurement or disease don’t erase the need for love and romance. In fact in my opinion they increase the need.
I also agree that the mind is the biggest sex organ
Thank you for that Laura. So sorry to hear about your situation, but many thanks for your observations and comments. Food for thought there.
Thank you! 🙂
What kind of story would you enjoy reading?
I enjoy reading about anyone who is more like me: older, no longer “hot,” chronic pain, mobility issues. It helps me remember that I can have the romance, too.
What would put a smile on your face?
Guaranteed? Babies and words. Probably not what you meant, huh?
What would be just too hard and that you couldn’t bear to read about?
I’ve worked through most of my triggers, so it’s wide open.
What would you want detailed and spelt out?
The emotions, the impact, how it feels to “feel” safe in the less able body.
What would you want glossed over?
Maybe mechanics like colostomy bags or something, though that much detail might be okay for others.
Do you think it’s a good idea – for me to write such stories?
I love the idea!
Or do you think you simply wouldn’t want to read this?
I’m totally down!
Thank you for that Lana. Perfect information 🙂
Its a wonderful idea and not at all insensitive. As we all get older, our bodies change. Life happens and we are most are not as fit or agile as we were in our 20s. However in our minds? As you said, it all happens there. 20 years ago my husband and daughter were killed in a car accident. If he had lived? He would have been paralyzed from the neck down. I would have loved him still but what we would have found together to connect would have been entirely different. We would have had to adapt. To this day, I can still remember what it felt like to be in his arms. I remember my 9 year olds laugh and her sweet hugs and kisses. Our minds are a treasure trove of our lives. The beat may change slightly, but we still move on. Loving people in our lives is universal. You’d do a great service exploring this topic. Its probably more common than people think about, but above all that, its human. Its how we are all connected.
Thank you Rebecca. So sorry to read your story. But thank you for sharing it with me.
It gives me much to think about 🙂
Hi Simone,
I just read your article about writing books for the ones who are not superhero or woman that goes through life that is not …let say perfect (handicap, or ??!!) and I think it is a great idea. Those books will not be (I think) as pink , meaning life is life, and getting older is certainly not pink. My brother had a car accident when he was 23 years old, and is paralyzed from the waist down. He was a policeman that didn’t wear his seat belt when the driver lost control of the car. I know that more than 40 years later, he is still a man with a strong libido. Sorry if my English is not perfect. Those people have dreams and in their dreams, they still have a sex life, so your books can make them dream.
I hope that answers your question. I am 63 years old and to read about beautiful dirty young couples can get boring and not realist. I don’t know if you have read Robin Schone. I read all her books. One I recall was about an older couple in the Victorian era and the grand mama was still young in her discovery of her sexuality after loosing the only sexual partner she had that never satisfied her. That kind of book, talking about more mature and realistic stories can be really….Add the words and expressions you want.
Thank you for your question. Yes. More books talking about more mature subjects and more mature “couples” will be of interest.
Thank you for your feedback. It’s very much appreciated. I’ll certainly be taking it into account while I consider my ideas.
And your English is very good 🙂
Simone
I was thinking about this the other day. I’d say that in 99% of the books the men and women are sexy, hot and irresistible! I’m a retired widow (older then you!) and not to sound conceited my husband and I were a pretty decent looking couple in our time but I’ve never read a book where the characters are even close to our descriptions. Honestly I know a lot of very good looking couples but I don’t know if they’d live up to being a character in a book! I hope to see what your ideas are in this new category! Good luck with it!
Thank you Linda 🙂
I’m still working the idea around at the moment and deciding how it might best be tackled. Feedback such as yours is just what I need. Thank you 🙂
Simone, if Jane Eyre has a disabled hero, need I say more? There will always be naysayers, but write respectfully and you will create more beautiful stories with diversity. There is nothing more special for people than to be acknowledged and your post just acknowledged me where the majority of people are dismissive of the disability I have.
Thank you Dianne. I appreciate that 🙂
I think that’s a great idea. Not everybody is fit, beautiful, young. Lots of olde people, widowed, not quite as able as they used to be.
Thank you Jennifer 🙂